Forgive Who?

My understanding of forgiveness in a personal context is muddied. I can’t remember a time where it came naturally. Every time I desired to forgive someone only came after real rumination on the situation often too far down the timeline to quell any party’s anxiety. Taking the painful moments to put myself into the other person’s shoes can be embarrassing as that’s the step to take prior to moving. As I’ve aged, slightly, I recognize the importance of forgiveness as the resentment builds like a film layered by years slowly clogging the artery. A self punishment with the right perspective, I challenge the need to self flog. It boils down to a root question, how does one forgive themselves? It’s easier to forgive others, a universal sentiment. To forgive oneself is to forgive self abuse in many cases. After all, aren’t we all we have?

This tendency to self flagellate comes with my understanding of betterment as if it were a key tool. I recognize the path I was both put upon and further maintained to cling to that notion as if it were law. But as I forgive others for the infractions I cannot yet forgive myself, I accept the need to loosen that thread. I have rarely seen negative actions yield to positive results without a slurry of positive action to overcome. Positivity, a word that makes me cringe. Only in the assertion of the smiley version expected upon me. Maybe real forgiveness for me comes upon the heels of a further examination of how I keep participating in a way that betrays me. And then I feel nauseated by the luxury of this train of thought as I remember a time in life where the orphanage was actually home.

Ah, the train of thought of self guilt. Gotta love it.

Anyway, all this to say that I have a lot of questions, as usual.